I'm a Daughter of the Most High.
Im Natalie. I'm 24. This is a personal blog. I post a variety of things. I'm a hockey nut: Minnesota Wild is my fave. Social Justice. Jesus. History. Reading. Poet. Anime. Comics: Marvel and DC. Star Trek & Star Wars. Redeemed sinner. I love the inner city and people. Im a big social justice nerd. I love books. Talk to me if you ever need a helping hand or someone to listen.
It just doesn’t seem like its there. Its just staring me in the face waiting. And I know I’ll never go back because I have no desire. But it was easier when I could go to something and feel better and now that I can’t. I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know where to go, what to do. Its like I have to learn how to do things all over again and break old habits and its good for me, but its not easy and I just don’t know how to deal with my emotions, especially with a family who tells me not cry or be upset and just pretend and be strong. Thats why I get so damn fucking mad when people say, “stay strong, be happy” I’ve done that for almost 20 years and that hasn’t dont ANYTHING for me and you can’t just fuckin tell people that! It makes you rely on you and not God. It doesnt work because I cant learn how to be me again on my own. I can;t learn to live without online friends and sex on my own. I can’t even get mad on my own. I need God for all of that and I just dont get people sometimes and why they expect you if you’re a christian to be this goody two shoes person who never swears and is always happy and everything is fuckin rainbows and sunshine, well its NOT, ITS NEVER like that. Even that I am a christian! I still swear, I still get mad, I still have old tendancies and I keep fuckin believing the lie that this is never going to be over. That I’ll always go back and for that reason I DONT want to think about it, but I know I NEED to, or I’ll never heal, and It’s just really difficult because its not over, I may not do those things anymore, but that doesn;t mean I am fully healed yet, from parts yes, but I am still hurting deeply. I still have pain. i still feel shame and regret for what I did. I still think it was easier when I had those things to go to and it was, and I wish it wasn’t but it was. And its a journey for me to even be me again because I’m still trying to figure that all out and learn how to live and how to be free but also knowing that God is in control of it all no matter how fucked up I am somedays and to know in the midst of all my hurt and pain and even what I did was messed up He still loves me and is using it for my good and is using it to glorify His name.
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Our reaction to this election and the question that it begs.
As I went to my room to finish a huge project I heard all my roommates yelling and hollering. I heard laughter and hatred. As I looked at tumblr and facebook. What I read disgusted me. What I saw was hatred. What I saw was us Christians again with the hammer and the nails except now we were crucifying Christ we we’re crucifying our fellow brothers and sisters for their political views.
People, our love for one another should not go out the window once someone we don’t like is elected into office. It should not go out the window. It should not. Its wrong. We should be ambassadors of Christ always, not just when good comes our way.
And this is where my heart gets heavy, this is where I want to burst into tears to Jesus and just ask why we have to be so focused on America and why we can’t be more focused on our King. Why can’t we love him more than we love our own country?
It begs the question that are we more focused on America and making it an idol than we are in loving Jesus and spreading the gospel and being His ambassadors?
If we were this much on fire for Christ who knows what would happen.
We are constantly called to pray, and my fellow Christians, pray is what we must do. Not for Romney to win, but for Christ. To just thank Him for redeeming us even in our worst times. Thank Him for being there when we commit idolatry against Him by putting America and an election before Him. What have we come to Christians? We should not put Love and Christ on the back burner because of what happened tonight. He needs to be our constant focus.
So I guess my question is, who do you love more? America or Jesus?
I think it is time we have a heart check and truly ask Jesus what is going on in our hearts.
And oh how I pray that our answer will be Jesus.
How I pray.
Let us be lovers of Christ and not of self. Patriotism is not a bad thing but when it takes the place of Christ, it becomes a terrible, awful scary thing.
Love as Christ loved.
Forgive.
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Luke 23: Thinking on Christ’s death and what that means for us.
Reading this was sobering, it always is. For me it is like I am seeing myself taking the hands of my Savior and pounding the nails in and feeling the blood drop onto my hands and grinning. And at that moment, it scares me. But it also makes me realize, that girl has been redeemed. The girl with the nails has been redeemed, she has been made new and that is so true for each other.
Because of Christ’s death we no longer have to give sacrifices and keep the law perfectly. We serve a loving God who hates sin and is disgusted by it. (shown my Christ’s death!) We are under grace now, a part of the new covenant where we can come freely, come with our past, our screw ups, our failures and still be loved despite ourselves. Still be loved despite what we have said, done and believed.
That is the God we serve.
A God of redemption, love and grace.
I think it is important to at least read a gospel a year. I know reading Luke has been sobering for Me and has helped me a lot in my life lately. I know a lady who my mom goes to church with who is like in her 60’s but she is on fire for the Lord and she says she watches Passion of the Christ once a year to remind her how she got to where she is today and as a reminder of Christ’s death.
By the way, if you have not seen that movie. Go watch it. It changed my view of Christ’s death and resurrection from something I had heard all my life to something that was real and life-changing experience and visual picture of Jesus death for me, staring into my soul, whispering intensely. I love you this much. This much. Please let me love you.
Let God love you and rest in the fact that He didnt die for you because He had to, He did it because He wanted you and because you are HIs beloved and His child. He has redeemed you from the curse of the law and longs for You to live a life for Him. He loves you dearly.
Again, I will say.
We have been redeemed from the curse of the law.
Us with the hammers and bloody hands have been redeemed and made into Children of God. Adopted into the Kingdom of grace and love and justice.
Let’s go tell the rest of those with hammers and bloodied hands that they too can be redeemed.
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Luke 19: What I got out of it and the question of why do we forget what saves us?
So I was reading Luke 19 today and..God really just hit me. I was reading the verses about how Jesus enters Jerusalem on a donkey, which also means I am getting closer to reading about the Cross and His resurrection. One phrase jumped out at me, they began to joyfully praise God. God then put this thought in my head, “We praised Him in His coming, but hated Him in His death.” I began to think about that. Why did we hate Him? Well, Israel thought He had come to bring them to their former glory and get rid of Rome. But Jesus brought a different Kingdom, one with grace, hope and love. We wanted to be it. We wanted to call the shots, but once we realized what was done.
I like to put it this way, All I am is a sinner, who is now a saint, who once held the hammer and the nail in my hand, but now I have been redeemed and now I hold the Gospel close.
We killed God, what else can we do?
Do we really believe we can earn our salvation? That we could possibly follow Him so perfectly and remain so sinless that we could possibly be good enough? Do we really believe that?
As broken, burnt-out, ragamuffins, who are working so hard trying to do it all on our own, why do we believe we can save ourselves when truly, what we need saving from is ourselves.
Jesus, Jesus came so that You don’t have to do this on your own because my friend, if you have not realized it yet. You can’t. You are incapable and powerless of doing this thing without Jesus. You can’t even love God without His help.
So why do we teach that we can do it, that Jesus is just something on the side we can walk this walk and do ourselves.
Believe me, I do this as well. But in that moment, we are forsaking the Cross and we are forgetting the redeeming power of Christ in the ressurection. We are forgetting Romans 8:31-39 which tells us NOTHING can seperate us from His love.
NOTHING.
Not your sin.
Your view of yourself.
Satan.
Your family.
Your friends.
Your occupation.
Nothing. Nada.
No matter how far you are going to fall, no matter how badly you screw up, dont think you’ve blown it because, you can never blow it. When you think you’ve blown it look at the Cross. You can’t blow it. Nothing can take you away from God.
Because the reality is that, God will keep pursuing you, chasing you, and loving you with His redeeming love.
My mom says something I love. Grace is to know that you are covered no matter what you do.
There are so many scriptures that point to grace and the Cross and how incapable we are. And in closing this, I would like to say one thing. You killed God, what else can you truly do?
I confess that I am simply a girl who was far away from the King, who held the hammer and nails who crucified the only thing that could satisfy me. With blood on my hands, I came to realize that the King is the only one who could save me from a black heart and those bloody hands. I have been redeemed. The girl who held the nails and hammer has been redeemed!
He has redeemed You. Do not forget His saving power. Do not forget the Cross. Look to it daily and realize Your constant need for it.
Tell others, so those who still hold the hammer and nails can be redeemed.
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I have been an unfaithful daughter of the King.
I have loved things that have not filled the hole in my heart.
I have forsaken the living water for my own cisterns that I have dug.
I have worshipped things that do not deserve to be worshipped and that do not satisfy.
I have expected things from people, which they cannot deliver.
I have been unfaithful.
But the amazing thing to know is that in the midst of my unfaithfulness and idolatry Jesus still loves me and has saved me.
I won’t always be faithful but I will try to be, and when I am not I will know that there is grace for me in the midst of my unfaithfulness.
I am part of the bride that is being cleansed and I can’t wait for the day when the Church is presented to the Groom as clean, spotless, and holy. Not by our own accord but only because of His grace.
A sinner who was made a saint by the righteous blood of the King.
A unfaithful lost daughter who has been brought back and made whole by her Father.
I am a loved daughter of the King.
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God really convicted me basically.
One of the verses that have been popping up the past couple days is Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
And then I read Luke 14 and Isaiah 14 and in Isaiah it talked about how Satan fell and the judgement of Assyria, etc. And well it basically said Satan fell because of His pride because He wanted to be like God and be God and reign on God’s thrown, and as we know satan was cast down. At first I was happy reading that, and then I realized I am a really prideful person, I hate being wrong and I always want my way and I felt like God was telling me, I’m the way the truth and the life not you, Natalie. I kind of shrugged it off but then this verse came up, Luke 14:11
11 For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
Lets just say God has a sense of humor. I was like, okay well I really need to stop being prideful? Well how do I be humble? How do I get rid of this disease? So I look in the study notes, and it says realize your sinfulness and limitations. I was like, ouch. Because I haven’t I think I’ve been thinking Oh its been great I havent screwed up, but today I did and other days I did too! And it sucked! Then it said BUT also realize your gifts and strengths. And really what God told me was, The way to cure the disease of pride is trusting in ME and MY grace for you. You’ve been working to hard lately and not coming to me to give you rest. Just rest Child” I really haven’t. I haven’t read my Bible in the past couple days when I really needed to, I’ve been being attacked throughout the week and its been pretty bad because for the past three months I have been having an awesome journey and blast with God and have been recieving so much love and grace, its been awesome. And the fact when my addiction comes up and memories and thoughts of, one more time won’t hurt. Im just like nah I got Jesus I dont need to, Well apparently the devil was not happy. Its been a really hard week. So God taught me about pride tonight and as I was asking for Him to take that away four verses popped into my head.
Revelation 2:
4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.
1 Peter 5:8-9
8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 4:12-14
12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 14 If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.
So all in all, be humble, serve the King, know His love and grace for you, don’t be surprised at trials, rejoice in them, that really pisses the devil off but makes God rejoice. He loves you, Cast your cares upon him, dont forsake your first Love. Know He is for you. Don’t do it in your own strength, it won’t work. The King has special plans for you and I :)
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Grace. What makes us so afraid of it? Is it the fact that we grew up in nations or societies that promote work, work, work and then we hear a gospel that promotes grace, grace, grace. Is it because we are scared of becoming lackadaisical in our Christian duties and that we might screw up really bad and scare ourselves into not being forgiven when the reality truly is that we are always covered by grace? Because the work has been done. It’s over. The work was done when Jesus overcame death on the Cross and with his last breath said, “It is finished.” The work is done. You don’t have to work. Please don’t get me wrong folks, I am not saying to go around and sin sin sin but when you do and you will, he isn’t going to condemn you, throw you out, or hate you. In Roman 8:1 it says that for those who are in Christ Jesus, there is NO condemnation. None, its over. It’s gone. None. Again in Psalm 34:22 it says that no one who takes refuge in Him will be condemned. When we believe in Christ He won’t condemn us. And I think we have this huge clash that goes between our society and our relationship with Jesus because most of our societies are about working and earning our way to the top. When the Gospel is just, Hey, I died for you, I love you, yeah you’ve made mistakes but there is no condemnation for those because I have made you new and I have made you into the righteousness of God by my death. I died so you could live, believe in me and accept my grace? I think we’re scared of the reality of grace because we don’t have to work yet we look towards work instead of the side of grace.
We aren’t struggling to be free; we are free to struggle. – Tenth Avenue North.
So what am I saying here? I am saying God loves you, no matter how far you fall. No matter how bad you screw up He still loves you. You’re a porn addict? Okay well He loves you. You’re a drug addict? He loves you. You’re a smoker? He loves you. You’re an alcoholic? He loves you. You struggle with temptation and various sins? He loves you. You’ve been abused. He loves you. You were a Satanist? He loves you. You were a terrorist? He loves you. Please don’t think I am saying there aren’t consequences for sin because there definitely are and God hates sin. But He doesn’t hate it because of some random rules. God hates sin because sin hurts people. Sin hurts God’s children. So may we be a people who spread God’s grace and love wide and far.
May we be something that looks like Jesus again.
Go out and be His ambassadors. Spread His grace far and wide.
Let the world know the Prodigal son has returned and that he is ready to spread the Father’s love.
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I’m a silly girl who is loved by an amazing love from an amazing Savior.
I have loved men who gave me nothing. I tried gaining something through online sex and got pleasure for an instant but never a whole feeling, instead the hole deepened.
I have loved myself so much that I wanted what felt good.
I have hated others so much that the black hole of my soul depeened from the years of bitterness and hatred.
I have blamed God and I deny him a lot.
But in the midst of me building my own cisterns for myself, God grabbed my hand and told me, “Child, it’s not going to work. I let you try and try. Please, what are you so scared of? Come to me with all your pain and burdens. I LOVE you. I DIED for you. Please let me show you true grace and healing.” And in that instant my shovel turned into nails and a hammer and I nailed the one who loved me to a rugged and bloody Cross.
And He told me the same.
“I still love you, beloved. Let me show you love. Let me show you what real love is because its not sex, its not what you think it is. Its not being a good person, its not looking good. Let me show you my everlasting and gracious love.”
And He did, and I will never be the same.