I wrote this in desperation of something that looks like Jesus again for our souls and mine just aches for something new and refreshing. I want to be in the city around the broken, is that weird? A verse, well two verses that came to mind were Proverbs 29:18 which says, where there is no vision the people perish. And i felt like that and then this came into my mind, have we lost the vision of the kingdom? I believe have, and it breaks my heart. Also, Habbakukk 1:1-5, where he is lamenting about all the wrong going on, and God says, i am going to something in your days that you would not believe, even if i told you. And I;m clinging to that. God is going to do an amazing work. Anyway, enjoy the poem. I hope it shows you some of the heart God has given me, and the heart he has for the city.
“everywhere I look is death, death, death, and all I hear my society say is America, america, AMERICA! Don’t help the poor, no more for me. None for the refugees, if i can’t get something free out of it. None for those kids in the city who get shot in an alley for not doing their duty to the gang, not doing their drug busts. Then I open the gospels and see something new, but the American Church is not involved in this new Kingdom. We’ve made a kingdom of our own, and it is sickly. I want something that looks like Jesus again. I want to encounter the outcasts and love as Jesus does. I want to love the city like He does.
My heart aches for something more, and I can’t find it anywhere I look in suburbia.”
—
Something that just came to mind. I’ve been feeling this was for weeks and I had to get it out
“Ive learned that,
Summers,
Oh summers.
They were always a time of rest
and more rest
and oh so much work.
They are times when
we learned
some things
we dont really want to.
But Jesus knows we need to.
See summer is one of the seasons
that i learn most.
And from all the reflective posts
I see.
Its the fact that
summers are where
Jesus breaks me
and wrecks me
and continues
to make me
redemeed
and
whole.
Summers are times I learn that
suffering isnt the scariest things
its one of the most beautiful.
its the key to redemption.
See I learned that
when people leave
sometimes its not terrible
sometimes its for the best.
sometimes you just cant have people who are tearing down Gods plan for you.
Sometimes
you
need
a
break.
And thats okay.”
— Me
“See sometimes I’m frail and broken
Aren’t we all?
Weren’t we all just waiting for someone to bring the dead in us to life?
I found when people say God what is my calling?
They mean purpose
They want meaning
See see see
It’s right there
He will show you.
See Jesus wrecked my life after I went to a little city in Missouri called St. Louis.
He gave us a kid who everyone threw away
Who everyone gave up on
Who no one really cared for
A boy who reminded me oh so much of myself
Jesus invaded my heart
And twisted and turned it so far left and right that
My
Heart
Ached.
Pray pray pray
That was that week of my life, I’m not sure what had came over me.
But this little boy came to know Jesus. He hugged us.
Four days after violent episodes of being dead and dry for too long
After someone finally told him
Someone loves you and will always.
This boys joy..
Broke me.
Tied me into knots.
Made me want to scream
YES THIS IS LIFE
in that moment I can swear
I remember the world stopping
I remember a soft strong voice say.
Here is your meaning.
You will help my people.
The used and abused and misused.
The ones no one wants
But the ones I want. I will use you and your love for me and for them and my love for them to change them.
You will be my speaker. My ambassador. There is more coming.
And that’s when I knew it was all going to change.
That is when I knew, this is life, this is what people talk about when they say THERE IS MORE.
That’s how Jesus wrecked my life.”
— Me
"See days like today have always been the the days where I can always feel my insides screaming: THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN THIS! I don’t know which is worse. Looking around and just sitting there studying our bibles and actually not living it out ourselves or having to look inside myself and ask the same question. My soul is longing and aching for more than something than making a mistake. I want things to change. I see all these people okay with living the same routines life, to me it feels like death. My insides scream: GOD THERE HAS TO BE MORE! My heart aches for the city. It aches for hard honest truths even if they break me down. Maybe I’m a cynic but Jesus, I know there’s more to following you than this…break me to make me understand.”
— Me
“As I talk about all the people in the city who need Jesus
I hear a small voice say
So
Do
you.
God taught me that
I really know nothin of what people deal with and his kingdom in the city will teach me more than I could
Have ever taught myself.
Jesus use your people to break and bind me and may we
Always know
That
We are
REDEEMED!”
Now this redeemed soul
has been given a heart for a broken city.
A city that needs Jesus
I am not just another white person
coming to fix you.
I do not claim to be the answer to your life.
I am joining the answer.
He is at work in your city
in our neighborhood.
He is the love you see when the children smile
despite
such
hardship.
I dont know who sees beauty in brokenness
but I know a man named Jesus
and he does.
He doesnt see you as a prositute,
he sees your name and who you are.
He doesnt see a drug dealer.
He sees a man who loves his family
and
he
is
just
stuck.
He sees beauty in the homeless.
he sees beauty in
your frown.
He
sees
beauty
in your life.
He sees beauty
in the meanest of the mean.
He sees beauty even in the religious bigots
and the ignorant
who dont understand you.
He sees beauty when there seems to be none.
He doesnt see beauty as we do.
Because he creates redemption in us.
He
created
you
and now
he wants to restore you
and
this city.
He has plans for this city.
And for you
and all whom you love.
cmon broken people to the well.
Theres enough for all of us.
Let us love
as he
did.
My God
sees redemption and beauty
where everyone elses sees none.
My
Savior
sees beauty in the mucky dark ashes.
and he makes a beautiful garden.
“
— me
I saw myself in a room crying and screaming, Why God?! WHY IS THIS SO HARD?! I can’t do it. I cant.
I kept saying it over and over, hitting the walls in this room for a release, and yelling so loud.
Then I heard and saw this man whispering over and over again.
I am doing a good work.
I am doing a good work.
I am doing a good work. Thats all He said.
I kept screaming but I heard it.
Then I heard
Trust, beloved.
Rest, beloved.
I am doing a good work.
And then that was it. I heard a voice tell me to start typing, so I did and thats where it came from.
There is truly beauty in the ashes.
Beauty from pain.
In the worst circumstances,
I always seem to forget
that it wasnt someone else who put you
on the tree.
It was me.
It was always me
and Jesus, I am sorry.
Please forgive me?
Help me realize
Its finished
when you say it is.
Help me know in my suffering you still love me.
When you push me
so
hard
that i can’t
move
or
breathe.
That you are working in me
the most.
That when I
am at
the end.
You are saving me all over again.
Thank you Jesus
for ruining me and saving me
Thank you
for letting me
be redeemed.
Even if that means
being
messy
sometimes.”
— me
"My dead heart,
Sees the death in arguing theology and politics, as we often do,
But my alive heart, sees the beautiful Cross.
Sees redemption
Sees love.
Sees my KING!
This makes all the aches of my bones and the dirt of my soul sing the song of redemption.
That makes it worth it.
Not the dead theology and arguing,
But the Jesus who made me alive again
Let’s get back to the source of life,
To the cross that made us whole and new
And has given us a life to rejoice and be glad in.”
— Dead and alive, what will you choose? - Natalie